I was Raped. This is why I, and Countless Others, Chose Not to Press Charges

I sat in my therapist's office, tears streaming down my face slowly. My eyes weren't squinting, my lip wasn't trembling, my jaw wasn't clenching. Just slow, silent tears rolling down my cheeks and into my mouth. I could taste the salt water as I cried.

"I think I might've been raped," I stuttered

Let me give you some back story. Three days earlier, I had gone over to a young man's house, a well known guy from town who was a few years older than me. He had asked me to hang out at his house and swim in his pool, maybe go get some dinner too, like a little date. Despite knowing his name very well, having known that name my entire life, I had never gotten to know him personally. I said yes to the date, but made it clear I did not want to have sex with him. At all. I made a point of letting him know I wanted nothing to do with anything of a sexual nature with him, and he agreed, assuring me he "wasn't that kind of guy." Lo and behold, no more than 10 minutes after we arrived at his house, he proceeded to physically force me into having sex with him. I won't go into detail, for the sake of not triggering myself or anyone else. But what I went through was very traumatic and very real. However, my parents and I decided not to press charges. Choosing not to hold my perpetrator accountable for his actions was an incredibly difficult choice to make. I felt like I was being silenced, like I was letting him get away with it. But I will not be silenced. Instead, I would like to share about why myself, and many others, choose not to confront their abusers or press charges, and all of the thoughts that went into making that decision.

1.) I thought it wasn't a big deal and that I needed to toughen up.

Unfortunately, this was not my first time enduring sexual abuse. At the age of 13, I was molested by one of my peers. It was by far the most awful thing I have ever been through. However, I received counseling for it, and learned a lot about coping with the stress of going through something like that. I felt that since I had been through it once and made it out okay, there was no need to bring it up now that it had happened a second time. I was confident that I had the skills and the strength to get through it. In addition to that, I also felt like since this time I had been able to get him off of me and successfully get myself out of his house, that it wasn't "as bad" as my prior assault. I was strong this time. I stood up for myself. That meant I was fine, right? Because I had the power to get him to stop, I felt that there was no need for pressing charges, despite what he had done, because I was able to convince him to let me go. I was wrong though. Every kind of sexual harassment, assault, and abuse is bad. It weighed heavily on my shoulders for a few days, and by then, I had realized something crucial- if I didn't come forward and admit to my therapist and my family what this man had done, I would never stop carrying that burden. I didn't want to feel the way I did the last time it happened, I didn't want to feel silenced. So, I decided to open up.

2.) Like many victims, I unfortunately had no evidence.

After telling my therapist, and then my parents, about what had happened, I was sure that this time I knew what I wanted to do. Having not pressed charges at age 13, and feeling guilty about it for quite some time, I was certain that this time I would take legal action. But the first step toward a legal case was one I felt scared and uncomfortable about- providing evidence through a rape kit. A rape kit is a physical exam performed on a victim to collect DNA that matches that of the accused perpetrator. As you can probably imagine, the exam is very physically invasive, and can be very triggering to someone who has just been sexually violated. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do the kit or not, out of fear of getting even more upset. I ended up choosing not to have one done, which left me in a painful position- I had no evidence of the crime.

3.) Even if you do choose to perform a rape kit to collect evidence, it can end up being extremely triggering. And, there's a good chance it may not work.

One of the saddest truths about rape kits is that they can only be performed under 72 hours after a rape occurs. Otherwise, they are not able to pick up DNA, and are essentially useless. 72 hours. That's only 3 days. Sexual abuse is so horrifying that it sometimes takes people years to come forward about it. Thankfully, I was able to talk about what had happened to me only about a week after it had all gone down. Unfortunately, I was still too late. There was a chance a rape kit would work, but an even greater chance that it wouldn't. To avoid the emotional distress of doing the kit, I opted to not even try. For myself, and many other victims, it wasn't worth all the pain and suffering, especially since I knew there was a high probability the exam would not be effective.

4.) Pressing charge would mean I had to re-explain all the details of what happened to a lawyer, investigator, and judge, which would be emotionally torturous.

Imagine going through the most horrifying, violating, confusing time of your whole life, then having to explain it, in full detail, to 5 different people. Oh yeah, and all of them are total strangers. Sounds fun, right?

5.) Getting a lawyer and going to court is expensive, time consuming, and emotionally draining, and there was a good chance I wouldn't win my case anyway.

I think sometimes people forget that pressing charges is not as simple as just walking into a room and saying, "Hey, I accuse this guy. Let's go to court please." Some victims do not have the ability to face their abuser in court and go through all the pain of seeing them again, not to mention the large fees of paying for a lawyer, and all of the time and dedication that goes into these kinds of cases. People have lives. Not everyone can put their existence on hold to put so much money and effort into a case that, sadly, might end up not reaping any benefit.

6.) Focusing so much attention on pressing charges or confronting him would impede my ability to move on.

Over the course of my life, I've had to learn the hard way that I cannot force anyone to do the right thing, I cannot make anyone change, I can only control myself and how I deal with things. Knowing that pressing charges might be pointless, and that I might not be able to turn my perpetrator into a better person, I decided to instead accept those things and find peace within myself. I focused myself on my recovery, instead of focusing my attention on going to court. Not going to court allowed me to focus on the good in the situation-the strength and insight I had gained from it-instead of focusing on the hurt he had caused me, and having to describe that hurt to a courtroom full of strangers. In making that decision, and putting my own wellbeing first,I felt stronger than ever.

7.) I realized that there are ways to feel empowered and strong after undergoing sexual abuse that don't involve the law.

If there's one thing I'd like people to take away from this article, it's this: choosing to press charges is a wonderful, strong thing to do, but choosing not to is also wonderful and strong. At the end of the day, it's a very personal choice, and whatever choice the victim feels most comfortable with is totally acceptable. If you are choosing not to press charges, or are unable to for any other reason, it can be easy to feel like your experience is being diminished or minimized just because the cops or a judge never heard about it. I encourage you to challenge that feeling. I know how incredibly hard that is to do, but trust me. You do not need the law involved to feel like you've come out on top. Talk about what happened. Write about what happened. Educate others on how to stay safe and how to know the warning signs. Make art that describes what you went through. Share it with everyone, or share it with no one. Do whatever makes you feel the most empowered. If pressing charges is the right choice for you, that's amazing. But if it isn't, don't let anyone make you feel like your experience is any less real, or like you are any less strong. How you deal with your sexual assault is YOUR choice. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about the decision you make.